10 day meme - day 1

Ten secrets

This is going to be HARD, as I don't really keep secrets much anymore.

1. I am scared of heights, enough so that I have a really hard time even going to the edge of our balcony (we live on the 27th floor).

2. I have crushes on lots of people: a couple of online acquaintances, one good female friend, a couple of good male friends, and someone whose real name I don't even know, I've only "met" twice and who is like 15 years younger than me. No I will not tell you who any of them are.

3. Part of me wants to say a big "FUCK IT" to this whole weight-loss struggle thing, and commit myself to eating healthy-ish for the rest of my life (which I acknowledge is likely to be shortened), become an HAES and size-rights advocate, just so that I can stop beating myself up mentally over my weight.

4. And part of me wishes I was anorexic so that I could be thin. The same part of me in part 3 is really glad I'm NOT anorexic because I know how horrible it would be for me.

5. I am intensely, horribly jealous of people for whom life is (or at least seems) easy because of how much I struggle with everything, everyday, though I am a lot better than I used to be and am really working on getting over this and not letting it color every thought I have.

6. I love Ian, I am happy with him, and I am happy that we are getting married. But a teeny tiny part of me still wishes I could have found a long-haired, pagan, hippie-ish, artsy musician type who was into the SCA as much as I am to be my partner. Oh well. :)

7. I saw a quote recently that sums up something I struggle with constantly: "Just because you can do anything doesn't mean you can do everything." My mind constantly flips back and forth unable to make up my mind about anything because there is SO MUCH I want to do and learn.

8. Sometimes I wish a "Change" would happen like the change in S.M. Stirling's Dies the Fire/Emberverse series.

9. I haaaaaate having to hold down a dayjob. I would love NOTHING more than to be able to be a housewife/stay at home mom or find a way to work at home.

10. I have such total crap ingrained in me because of my upbringing and my first two long-term partners, that I still have a hard time believing certain things are actually the truth in my life. Things like... I have a partner who thinks I'm hot and who won't turn around and leave me when things get hard. And that I have friends who are totally awesome, talented and conventionally attractive and they actually WANT to spend time with me and aren't just being friends with me out of pity. I have to constantly remind myself that no, I'm not the pathetic loser who will never have friends or a boyfriend that I was constantly reassured I was when I was young, and even though I know that THIS is the truth, there is still that tiny part of my brain that doesn't want to believe it.

10 day meme - day 1

Ten secrets

This is going to be HARD, as I don't really keep secrets much anymore.

1. I am scared of heights, enough so that I have a really hard time even going to the edge of our balcony (we live on the 27th floor).

2. I have crushes on lots of people: a couple of online acquaintances, one good female friend, a couple of good male friends, and someone whose real name I don't even know, I've only "met" twice and who is like 15 years younger than me. No I will not tell you who any of them are.

3. Part of me wants to say a big "FUCK IT" to this whole weight-loss struggle thing, and commit myself to eating healthy-ish for the rest of my life (which I acknowledge is likely to be shortened), become an HAES and size-rights advocate, just so that I can stop beating myself up mentally over my weight.

4. And part of me wishes I was anorexic so that I could be thin. The same part of me in part 3 is really glad I'm NOT anorexic because I know how horrible it would be for me.

5. I am intensely, horribly jealous of people for whom life is (or at least seems) easy because of how much I struggle with everything, everyday, though I am a lot better than I used to be and am really working on getting over this and not letting it color every thought I have.

6. I love Ian, I am happy with him, and I am happy that we are getting married. But a teeny tiny part of me still wishes I could have found a long-haired, pagan, hippie-ish, artsy musician type who was into the SCA as much as I am to be my partner. Oh well. :)

7. I saw a quote recently that sums up something I struggle with constantly: "Just because you can do anything doesn't mean you can do everything." My mind constantly flips back and forth unable to make up my mind about anything because there is SO MUCH I want to do and learn.

8. Sometimes I wish a "Change" would happen like the change in S.M. Stirling's Dies the Fire/Emberverse series.

9. I haaaaaate having to hold down a dayjob. I would love NOTHING more than to be able to be a housewife/stay at home mom or find a way to work at home.

10. I have such total crap ingrained in me because of my upbringing and my first two long-term partners, that I still have a hard time believing certain things are actually the truth in my life. Things like... I have a partner who thinks I'm hot and who won't turn around and leave me when things get hard. And that I have friends who are totally awesome, talented and conventionally attractive and they actually WANT to spend time with me and aren't just being friends with me out of pity. I have to constantly remind myself that no, I'm not the pathetic loser who will never have friends or a boyfriend that I was constantly reassured I was when I was young, and even though I know that THIS is the truth, there is still that tiny part of my brain that doesn't want to believe it.

*squee*

Eeeeeeee I'm getting my hands on a (hardcover, obviously) copy of A Dance with Dragons for $20 tomorrow, courtesy of an SCA friend who, I'm guessing, bought it when it came out, read it, and doesn't care to keep it. *squeeeeeee* No more waiting on the library to get it in!