*sigh*

I have another entry in the works, but I'm going to sneak this one in first.

I'm having a really tough week so far, health-wise (and when I say health, I mean both physical AND mental). I can't get my brain to just SHUT UP ALREADY. I've been taking some older meds that I'd found in the cupboard when I ran out of the ones I picked up in January or so (exact same meds I'm on normally, just a half-used bottle of them from a while back), and I don't know if they're all that effective. I'm going to go get another prescription from the clinic today after work and fill it immediately, and hopefully will feel much better in a few days.

One part of the problem is the state of my house. I've decided today that I am going to make it my goal to clean one room and do one load of laundry per evening, and by the end of the week the problem should be solved. If I break it down into small parts like this, I will be able to cope MUCH better.

And if I manage all of that, on Friday, which is payday, I will find a way to reward myself that does NOT involve food.

In the meantime, to steal a concept from estrellada, I'm going gentle on myself and would appreciate it if you could too.

weekend on the island, and a realization

So, we spent the weekend on Vancouver Island with my family. My sister, who moved to Calgary a few months ago, was home for a week, and since it had been almost a year (!) since I'd been over there, we headed over for a visit. We took the car, so that if we wanted, we could go out without my family, and that was a total goddess-send. We will definitely be doing that every time we go to visit from now on.

The trip was mostly fine, but there was a few things that bugged the shit out of me.

First, my mother really couldn't care less about the fact that I'm getting married. I was like HELLO your oldest daughter is FINALLY getting married at 35. You should be excited about this. But no. Although...apparently she wasn't really even excited about her OWN wedding when it happened. My grandma planned the whole thing for her. Sheesh. So that was rather disappointing.

The big thing, though, was my dad. As usual. *sigh*

I started making fairly hefty (no pun intended) lifestyle changes as of June 1st. I'm kinda sorta leaning towards a South Beach type diet, but not quite, and damnit, I'm not dieting, I'm making permanent lifestyle changes. I didn't get to this weight overnight, I'm not going to lose the weight overnight either.

Anyways, part of the reason my dad and I conflict so much is that we're very very similar. We both have a tendency to be very black & white in our thinking (though I actually RECOGNIZE this and am working on training myself out of it). We both have a tendency to obsess over things. We're both highly intelligent and stubborn.

But the difference is... he's a bully and I'm not.

My dad has lost over 100 lbs and kept it off in the past couple of years. He's done this by going on the South Beach diet, which starts out very strict low-carb in the first two weeks, and then allows you to add in whole grains and fruit and stuff like that. But his version of the diet has evolved to the point where he eats virtually the same food every stinkin' day, day in and day out. He still tracks everything he eats and counts calories. And despite the diet specifically stating that things like whole grains and fruit are allowed, he very rarely allows himself to have either of them.

And he feels that unless I'm doing the EXACT SAME diet he is, I'm not Doing It Right, and therefore he has the right (and should) nag me until I'm ready to scream. While this may be the right program for him, that doesn't mean it's the right one for me!

You would think I would have realized this years ago, but it is QUITE obvious that I will NEVER be truly accepted by my father. He will never be totally happy with me, and even if he was, I'm sure he wouldn't show it.

So I hereby declare that I officially don't Give A Fuck anymore. I know, sometimes I am dense as a frigging post. But if you encounter someone who will never be happy no matter what you do, it's time to quit trying. What is far more important is making ME happy.