weekend on the island, and a realization

[ravnsdaughter]

So, we spent the weekend on Vancouver Island with my family. My sister, who moved to Calgary a few months ago, was home for a week, and since it had been almost a year (!) since I'd been over there, we headed over for a visit. We took the car, so that if we wanted, we could go out without my family, and that was a total goddess-send. We will definitely be doing that every time we go to visit from now on.

The trip was mostly fine, but there was a few things that bugged the shit out of me.

First, my mother really couldn't care less about the fact that I'm getting married. I was like HELLO your oldest daughter is FINALLY getting married at 35. You should be excited about this. But no. Although...apparently she wasn't really even excited about her OWN wedding when it happened. My grandma planned the whole thing for her. Sheesh. So that was rather disappointing.

The big thing, though, was my dad. As usual. *sigh*

I started making fairly hefty (no pun intended) lifestyle changes as of June 1st. I'm kinda sorta leaning towards a South Beach type diet, but not quite, and damnit, I'm not dieting, I'm making permanent lifestyle changes. I didn't get to this weight overnight, I'm not going to lose the weight overnight either.

Anyways, part of the reason my dad and I conflict so much is that we're very very similar. We both have a tendency to be very black & white in our thinking (though I actually RECOGNIZE this and am working on training myself out of it). We both have a tendency to obsess over things. We're both highly intelligent and stubborn.

But the difference is... he's a bully and I'm not.

My dad has lost over 100 lbs and kept it off in the past couple of years. He's done this by going on the South Beach diet, which starts out very strict low-carb in the first two weeks, and then allows you to add in whole grains and fruit and stuff like that. But his version of the diet has evolved to the point where he eats virtually the same food every stinkin' day, day in and day out. He still tracks everything he eats and counts calories. And despite the diet specifically stating that things like whole grains and fruit are allowed, he very rarely allows himself to have either of them.

And he feels that unless I'm doing the EXACT SAME diet he is, I'm not Doing It Right, and therefore he has the right (and should) nag me until I'm ready to scream. While this may be the right program for him, that doesn't mean it's the right one for me!

You would think I would have realized this years ago, but it is QUITE obvious that I will NEVER be truly accepted by my father. He will never be totally happy with me, and even if he was, I'm sure he wouldn't show it.

So I hereby declare that I officially don't Give A Fuck anymore. I know, sometimes I am dense as a frigging post. But if you encounter someone who will never be happy no matter what you do, it's time to quit trying. What is far more important is making ME happy.

Comments

[kareina.livejournal.com]

I confess as to being with your mother on the "what is the big deal about weddings?" point. I have never understood them. I mean, yah, sure, any excuse for a party is a good one, but I don't see that legally binding oneself to someone and agreeing to be liable for their debt, too, is all that big of a deal. However, no two of us react to the same thing the same way, so if it excites you, wonderful!

Of course it is more important to make you happy. You are the only person you can Make happy. The rest of the world is responsible for its own emotions. It is wonderful when our parents are happy with us, but we have VERY little control ourselves if they are or not. Some parents think their children are perfect, no matter how much evidence the get to the contrary, and others are disappointed, no matter how much evidence their children provide that they are wonderful. You just be the person you want to be and if they like it too, great, bonus, but if not, you still win!

[horsearcher.livejournal.com]

Admittedly, I relate to your mom as I wasn't that jazzed about my own wedding either. I hate being the center of attention when it involves something I feel was no effort and I was extremely uncomfortable with all of that. But I do get excited about other people's weddings because I see it makes them happy. Odd, huh? If we divorce, I am unlikely to ever be married again.

But, yes, she should be happy for you. She'll get it eventually.

As for your dad . . .I'm glad you will focus on making you happy instead of him. Some parents are just not all-approving; I know, that is Mom for me.

[dbmyrrha.livejournal.com]

Think of it this way: at least you can have the wedding you want, and not one your mother dictates. However, I also understand the excitement of weddings. After all, I'm having two in less than a year (to the same person, of course! LOL)

Hari lost 120 pounds by eating the same thing every day, too. It's a man thing, I think. You need to do it your way. If you can't live like that (and I can't see how anyone can), you need to change your lifestyle in a way that you can maintain it forever. You're doing great.

Have fun planning, both your wedding and your meals. Best of luck to you!